The more I step into the stillness the more I can see the world around me. I can see everyone is hurting, and are choosing to act from the broken places inside themselves. Or at least, from the broken places they believe they are.
I don’t even know how to react anymore. How to occupy the same places that I see the world around me in. The anger. The fear. The sadness.
I know I am not any better than the people around me. I was there too. Not too long ago I was living life from all those same places. I was so angry at the world for having dealt me a bad hand. So angry at everyone around me for not being exactly how I wanted them to be. Angry at myself for not being the person I thought I should be.
I’ll be honest, I was just angry. And that angry turned into depression and fear and I was ready to end it all. I thought that I couldn’t go on living in the world.
That’s when I decided to start working on myself. When I decided that I had to try to find happiness in my life because I couldn’t keep living from the same space. All I knew is how I had been living so far wasn’t working and I had to find another way.
I started working with a life coach I found through a podcast and what started to happen was a lot of shifts in perspective. Things started to shift because what I really needed was someone to help me see things differently.
What has happened since then are some monumental shifts. A spiritual awakening.
What that has really meant is that the more I open myself up and look at the dark parts of myself the more I can see and let go of the beliefs that I have been living from that haven’t been serving me.
There was one that came up that I felt like a shattering if who I thought I was. I was living with the beliefs that I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t trust others. I would never experience love. That showing emotion made me unsafe. That I would always be alone.
As these beliefs came up I saw them burst and shatter. I saw my entire life on a board with every decision and friendship and relationship and at the bottom was this moment, and it stretched out across my entire life affecting every single thing that I did. Every interaction.
I was literally living my life from this space of being not good enough to be alive. But I was still here. Still breathing. Still trying to be alive even though I was making decisions from a space where I would always, always sabotage myself.
By seeing and acknowledging these things from my past I have been able to let them go. When I saw all this and saw this idea of myself shattering into a million sparkling pieces I knew something was going to change. I don’t know exactly what that means yet, but I feel different. My life feels different. I am a bigger space than I was before. I love myself. I can feel the emotions that I had disconnected from or so long. I am alive again.
I guess, what I didn’t know was that I was the walking dead. I was so numb that even though I was breathing I wasn’t really alive. But I’m alive now, maybe for the first time since I was 12.
It’s so scary being in this space. But it’s also so freeing. It’s so beautiful. It’s so spacious and open. I am living from this space right now.
I can’t wait to see what my life will become living from this beautiful space.
Comments