It’s funny. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I do what I do. What is driving me forward and what will keep me moving. I started a lot of personal development in the last year and only recently did I really look at why. What was my intention? What has come up time and time again is that I am here to love. I am here to love and accept people unconditionally where they are at.
But, I realized over the weekend, that it has to start with myself.
I wasn’t fully aware of the amount of self-hate I still carried within my body until I wrote that poem on Sunday. I have let go of quite a few things that led me to hating myself, but apparently there is still more to go. I spent a good part of Saturday night and Sunday morning crying about how I just wanted to love myself. How I was so tired of feeling unworthy to be here on this planet, right now.
I am so tired of looking at myself in the mirror and dissecting all the parts I don’t like. I’m tired of looking for love on social media. I’m tired of feeling like I am not at home in my own body.
The question is, what am I walking toward?
I’m walking toward loving and accepting myself unconditionally. My intention with all of this personal development is to love myself.
So often we walk through life thinking we know exactly what we want or what will make us happy. We strive for something over and over again that is outside of ourselves… and I just can’t be a part of that game anymore. There is no one person, place, or thing outside of myself that is more important than the love I have for myself.
Maybe it’s selfish of me to say that, but I’ve tried the other way too. Living from a place of complete and utter self-hatred and sacrificing every bit of my time and energy for others. What it got me was depressed and resentful.
I no longer want to live trying to give from an already empty cup. I am going to live the other way. I’m going to live from a place where I am giving because I want to give and because I have enough to give.
Really, what I’m saying here, is that I can’t live in hate any longer. I can’t continue living and hating myself, so I’m going to love myself instead.
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