Loving ourselves whole (poem)

The truth is

I am tired

and hungry for something

that isn’t my body

I’m tired

of eating myself alive every day

tied of trying to stop myself

from tearing and clawing

and consuming

bite after bite until nothing remains

because all I want to do

is disappear from the pain –

if only I could eat myself

if only I could be the Wolf

and Little Red Riding Hood

I could know peace

as I licked my bones white

in the afternoon sun

content that I had consumed

all the parts of myself

that I was afraid to see –

all that would remain

were the parts I loved –

but I didn’t know that I would eat myself up

eat myself whole

because every inch of my being

made my skin craw –

but hate makes your flesh bitter

and rotten

and I would throw myself up

over and over again

the truth is

you and I can’t eat ourselves up

can’t strip away the parts

we don’t like –

we can only wash them

in the saltwater of our tears

wrap them up carefully

as if they are broken

and set to loving them whole