Dear God,
I realize that we don't talk much.
That I have been quiet for many years.
That I have spent too many nights crying
over this life that had been given to me.
I forgot that today, this moment, and this breath
are gifts that I should be grateful for.
I need to tell you that I'm sorry.
Maybe not in the way you think.
I am sorry that I was so lost.
I'm sorry that I thought that there was something wrong
with me and my life
and the ever-perfect dance that we are all in.
However,
even as I type this
apologizing doesn't seem quite right
as if I am guilty
as if I have done something wrong.
Maybe that's where we, as humans, get tripped up.
Maybe it's our ever striving for perfection
that makes us think we are unworthy of the life
we are standing in.
Perhaps,
if I close my eyes
if I breathe deeply
I can let go of the guilt I've been holding--
let go of the way I wish things were
and say Thank You.
Thank you for the sun climbing over the horizon
for the cold wind that will bring the snow
for the bright red leaves of the fall
and the smell of decay and fresh dirt.
Thank you for this moment
my breath as it enters
and as it leaves
and it's part in the infinite circle
of giving and receiving.
Breathe in: receive.
Breathe out: give.
Thank you for the sleep I got last night
in my warm bed
sandwiched between my two dogs
who love me unconditionally.
Thank you for my sight
and the gift of language.
Thank you for my body
the one that heals itself
and holds me
and protects me
and carries me through this life
with every step.
Thank you for my car
so I may travel
and the money that allows me
to fill it.
Thank you for the silence
for sound
and the feeling of my heart beating
in my chest
that reminds me I am alive.
Thank you for kindness
that I give to myself and others
and the kindness I receive in return.
Thank you for the friends and family
that support me
and those who don't.
Thank you for all the tears
that led me to loving myself.
Thank you for the sunsets
over the mountains to the west
and for west
so there can be sunsets.
Thank you for the hot summer sun
and the green leaves
that grow every spring.
Thank you for the winter quiet
and the soft crunch of snow
under my boots.
The ocean and the endless horizon.
Thank you for the sky
and the clouds
and the rain --
but especially the smell of petrichor.
Thank you for the moments
of hating myself and the world
for they led me forward
into the light.
Thank you for the computer
I'm typing on
and my job.
Thank you for the surrender
in which I find myself.
Thank you for music
this day
and all the songs I will hear.
Thank you for my voice
sometimes shaky
sometimes quiet
but always there.
Thank you for the smell of vanilla
that comes from lodgepole pine
on hot summer days.
Thank you for the people
who guide me forward.
Thank you for hiking trails
and deer
and the caw of crows
in the morning.
Thank you for the smell
of coffee as it brews
and the hot bitter taste
as I sip slowly in the pre-dawn
of the morning.
Thank you for the stars
to light my way at night
and the Milkyway
in which I call home
and the moon
as it waxes and wanes
so symbolic of this life
that I have been given
right now
on this beautiful planet
we call Earth.
Oh, God,
I'm so sorry.
I had forgotten all that I have
to be grateful for.
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