Gratitude

Dear God,

I realize that we don't talk much.

That I have been quiet for many years.

That I have spent too many nights crying

over this life that had been given to me.

I forgot that today, this moment, and this breath

are gifts that I should be grateful for.

I need to tell you that I'm sorry.

Maybe not in the way you think.

I am sorry that I was so lost.

I'm sorry that I thought that there was something wrong

with me and my life

and the ever-perfect dance that we are all in.

However,

even as I type this

apologizing doesn't seem quite right

as if I am guilty

as if I have done something wrong.

Maybe that's where we, as humans, get tripped up.

Maybe it's our ever striving for perfection

that makes us think we are unworthy of the life

we are standing in.

Perhaps,

if I close my eyes

if I breathe deeply

I can let go of the guilt I've been holding--

let go of the way I wish things were

and say Thank You.

Thank you for the sun climbing over the horizon

for the cold wind that will bring the snow

for the bright red leaves of the fall

and the smell of decay and fresh dirt.

Thank you for this moment

my breath as it enters

and as it leaves

and it's part in the infinite circle

of giving and receiving.

Breathe in: receive.

Breathe out: give.

Thank you for the sleep I got last night

in my warm bed

sandwiched between my two dogs

who love me unconditionally.

Thank you for my sight

and the gift of language.

Thank you for my body

the one that heals itself

and holds me

and protects me

and carries me through this life

with every step.

Thank you for my car

so I may travel

and the money that allows me

to fill it.

Thank you for the silence

for sound

and the feeling of my heart beating

in my chest

that reminds me I am alive.

Thank you for kindness

that I give to myself and others

and the kindness I receive in return.

Thank you for the friends and family

that support me

and those who don't.

Thank you for all the tears

that led me to loving myself.

Thank you for the sunsets

over the mountains to the west

and for west

so there can be sunsets.

Thank you for the hot summer sun

and the green leaves

that grow every spring.

Thank you for the winter quiet

and the soft crunch of snow

under my boots.

The ocean and the endless horizon.

Thank you for the sky

and the clouds

and the rain --

but especially the smell of petrichor.

Thank you for the moments

of hating myself and the world

for they led me forward

into the light.

Thank you for the computer

I'm typing on

and my job.

Thank you for the surrender

in which I find myself.

Thank you for music

this day

and all the songs I will hear.

Thank you for my voice

sometimes shaky

sometimes quiet

but always there.

Thank you for the smell of vanilla

that comes from lodgepole pine

on hot summer days.

Thank you for the people

who guide me forward.

Thank you for hiking trails

and deer

and the caw of crows

in the morning.

Thank you for the smell

of coffee as it brews

and the hot bitter taste

as I sip slowly in the pre-dawn

of the morning.

Thank you for the stars

to light my way at night

and the Milkyway

in which I call home

and the moon

as it waxes and wanes

so symbolic of this life

that I have been given

right now

on this beautiful planet

we call Earth.

Oh, God,

I'm so sorry.

I had forgotten all that I have

to be grateful for.