The question I come back to a lot of days is why have I been living my life from this space of anxiety and fear? Why have I kept trying to play by all these rules that I knew in my heart weren’t working for me? The idea of going into a job and working 9-5 for the next thirty years just makes me shrink back in horror. The idea that my entire life is to pay bills and die makes me want to cry.
But I keep doing it. I keep going into work and putting in times so I can pay my bills and my family can not worry about me because I’m always doing exactly what’s expected.
At the same time, it’s killing my soul. I don’t feel like I am really living in any way that gives my life value – either to myself or to others. I am not honoring who I am, and I’m not honoring the person I could be. But I keep playing out this pattern because I’m afraid. I’m afraid to be abandoned by my friends and family. I’m afraid to be misunderstood or disliked. I’m so afraid of these things that have been living half alive.
As I have been working more and more on myself, I’ve seen this happen. My family isn’t sure how to relate to me anymore. My mom has basically stopped talking to me altogether. They don’t get why I meditate and why it’s so important. They don’t get why I keep doing these spontaneous things. They see me changing, but don’t talk to me about it. They don’t ask what is going on even as I’m standing in the room.
Traversing this space is so confusing for me. I see that I could be happier if I moved out and really started living from the space of who I am, but I’m also trying to be happy where I am now, and I can’t seem to find that. As a more awake being, I understand that happiness comes from within, but I’m still finding it so hard to be happy.
I am at the point right now where I can’t decide if the Universe is giving me a lesson to see if I can still be happy no matter what, or if it’s making me uncomfortable so that I leave and find a new space in which to grow into.
I’ll be honest, the second one feels more right than the first. Feels more like expansion. Feels more like the lesson I need. And maybe that’s the answer.
I’ll tell you all what I want. This is my vision for the near future.
I’ve paid off my debt by the sheer grace and kindness of the Universe. I don’t know how, when, why, this money will come to me, but I trust that it will. I am open to all forms and ways that abundance is trying to come into my life.
Spring next year I leave my job and go on a six-month road trip across the country. I visit national parks and small towns. I see people and I help them. I’m making art. I’m writing. I’m detailing my experiences every day on here for you all. I’m meeting the friends that I’ve made from coast to coast. It’s beautiful, I’m aligned, I’m fully supported, and I find my path in the world.
It’s extreme. I know. You don’t need to tell me that. But I’ve been living from the other extreme. I’ve been living from the ego part of me that just wanted to follow the rules that society had in place that were leading me to a slow agonizing death or sudden suicide.
I have to believe and live from a space that life can be more than day-to-day mimsy. I have to believe that life can be lived in joy and laugher. I have to believe that life is more than mimsy.
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