The choice we have between fear and love

There is only one thing you need to remember as you walk through life, and that there is only fear and love. The way we live our lives, the choices we make, they all come from those two places. You can switch out the words if you want, lack and abundance, hope and depression, etc. but it all comes down to the same choice, the same perspective.

Do we live in a world, a universe, a life, where we are fully supported in every decision we make, or do we live in a world where shit happens then you die?

It’s funny, I’ve lived in the shit world. It got me pretty much nowhere fast. I hated every job, I didn’t get paid much, I felt as if I couldn’t do anything. Like I was trapped in the movie Groundhog Day – and really, I was. Every day I would vomit up the same amount of unhappiness to everyone around me go to bed and then do it again the next day.

But as I’ve started to live my life the other way. As I’ve started to focus not on the outside but on the inside, amazing things have happened to me. A trip to London with my cousin. Radical perspective shifts. Profound inner healing experiences. I made myself a space for something bigger than myself to come in …and it has.

I have worked to relinquish control of my life because I have no control. My boss messaged me on Tuesday telling me she wasn’t going to be able to keep me on at the same hourly rate after two weeks. Two days later she said everything was fine. I have zero control over that, but what I do have is my ability to stand steadfast in the center of my being knowing that this is just an opportunity to shift my life into something else. I was on a clear path, but now I’m standing at a fork in the road with millions of possible paths, trillions even.

It’s literally all a matter of perspective. We have to choose how we see the world and how we want to live in it. We have to make a choice on whether or not we are supported in our lives and being guided toward something greater than we can possibly imagine, or if we’re stuck in the shit hole that we will never get out of.

The choice is always there, always available. All we have to do is choose.

My intention of self-love

It’s funny. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I do what I do. What is driving me forward and what will keep me moving. I started a lot of personal development in the last year and only recently did I really look at why. What was my intention? What has come up time and time again is that I am here to love. I am here to love and accept people unconditionally where they are at.

But, I realized over the weekend, that it has to start with myself.

I wasn’t fully aware of the amount of self-hate I still carried within my body until I wrote that poem on Sunday. I have let go of quite a few things that led me to hating myself, but apparently there is still more to go. I spent a good part of Saturday night and Sunday morning crying about how I just wanted to love myself. How I was so tired of feeling unworthy to be here on this planet, right now.

I am so tired of looking at myself in the mirror and dissecting all the parts I don’t like. I’m tired of looking for love on social media. I’m tired of feeling like I am not at home in my own body.

The question is, what am I walking toward?

I’m walking toward loving and accepting myself unconditionally. My intention with all of this personal development is to love myself.

So often we walk through life thinking we know exactly what we want or what will make us happy. We strive for something over and over again that is outside of ourselves… and I just can’t be a part of that game anymore. There is no one person, place, or thing outside of myself that is more important than the love I have for myself.

Maybe it’s selfish of me to say that, but I’ve tried the other way too. Living from a place of complete and utter self-hatred and sacrificing every bit of my time and energy for others. What it got me was depressed and resentful.

I no longer want to live trying to give from an already empty cup. I am going to live the other way. I’m going to live from a place where I am giving because I want to give and because I have enough to give.

Really, what I’m saying here, is that I can’t live in hate any longer. I can’t continue living and hating myself, so I’m going to love myself instead.

Loving ourselves whole (poem)

The truth is

I am tired

and hungry for something

that isn’t my body

I’m tired

of eating myself alive every day

tied of trying to stop myself

from tearing and clawing

and consuming

bite after bite until nothing remains

because all I want to do

is disappear from the pain –

if only I could eat myself

if only I could be the Wolf

and Little Red Riding Hood

I could know peace

as I licked my bones white

in the afternoon sun

content that I had consumed

all the parts of myself

that I was afraid to see –

all that would remain

were the parts I loved –

but I didn’t know that I would eat myself up

eat myself whole

because every inch of my being

made my skin craw –

but hate makes your flesh bitter

and rotten

and I would throw myself up

over and over again

the truth is

you and I can’t eat ourselves up

can’t strip away the parts

we don’t like –

we can only wash them

in the saltwater of our tears

wrap them up carefully

as if they are broken

and set to loving them whole