What 2019 taught me about myself

There is something about the energy of the new year that gives us the hope that something can change. It allows the mind to have a jumping-off point that can allow us to create lasting change in our lives.

I know that last year was my line in the sand. It was about mid-January and things were slowing down at work and I decided that something had to change. That I was miserable where I was and I couldn’t seem to break the cycle that I had been trapped in.

I decided that I needed to find ways to invest in myself, to find happiness (if I could), and to create a different life for myself. That was really all of the direction I gave myself because I had no idea where I was going.

I started meditating more consistently, journaling, and I worked with my first coach. It was a woman I had been following on Facebook for about a year and I really liked her style and enthusiasm. She was having a special for February and I jumped on board.

I learned two things during that month. One, working with a coach who can help you work through problems, issues, or challenges gives you much more leverage to fix them than if you’re working through them on your own. Two, even if you really like someone, they aren’t always the best person to work with at the time.

The women I worked with focuses mainly on business and I wasn’t at a point in my journey where I could really build anything. Not that I didn’t have the skills – I didn’t have the mindset.

After about a month I decided to reach out to another coach I had found through a podcast. Really all I knew about him was he dealt with the spiritual side of things and I felt that that was more of what I needed.

I had been working with him for about three months when I had a major shift – a spiritual awakening. I suddenly understood that I was a spiritual being having a human experience. Looking back… was it luck that I found the person who would lead me down that path or was I divinely guided to him?

After everything, I am not sure anymore. But I can tell you this, I was on a path of misery. I hated my life and myself so much that I could barely see the forest for the trees. I know that that path was leading me into darkness, and the path I am on now only leads to light.

Of course, it wasn’t just my current coach that led me here. Looking back there were so many choices that kept me going, kept me looking for something other than the misery I had associated with for so long. So many people helped me to get to this point. For all of you, I sincerely thank you.

So, where am I going with all of this? I want to tell you what I’ve learned.

There is only love.

Hate is a choice.

Forgiveness is truly about you, not the other person.

Our lives are our responsibility, no one else’s.

Your wounds are not your fault, but it’s your responsibility to heal them.

Be happy for no reason.

Judging someone else is also judging yourself.

Self-Love is not optional.

Our beliefs are agreements, not cages we must live in. The agreement can be changed anytime.

When we lose hope, we close the door to positive change.

I lived for nearly 33 years as a victim of my circumstances. All my problems were because of someone else. Life was happening to me. Just writing that out hurts.

Now, who am I? I am a woman who believes that life is happening for me. That I am fully supported by the universe. That I have it within me to change my life in positive ways. But I have to choose that path. I have to put energy into being the kind of person who lives that way, else I go back to living the other way… and I have no desire to do that.

I got so very lucky with my spiritual awakening – it allowed me to let go of so many things and see the world, and myself, in an entirely different light. But I certainly know that path isn’t for everyone. However, we can all choose to live better lives and face our fears head-on. I know it changed my life.

We are already a week into 2020 and I’m already learning how to move within this new year. As I fall in and out of old patterns, I am learning how to navigate this new space. How to stay in alignment with who I want to become. For a moment my ego had me believing that this was the harder path, the one where I keep my face to the light and work toward the change, I want to see within myself.

I nearly believed it.

But one thing kept me from falling all the way back: my feelings. I didn’t feel right. The things I was doing didn’t feel right. I just didn’t feel good. Here is the thing about drawing a line in the sand when it comes to your life, you won’t go back to the other way. I won’t willingly commit my life to misery again. I’ve found too much peace, love, and happiness within my self to do that again.

To stay on track we need to be intimately connected to ourselves and our bodies. Our feelings are our guidance system, they tell us when we are in alignment with ourselves. When we are we feel good, when we aren’t we don’t. For me, I tend to do anything to numb myself – television, food, whatever I can disappear into. Whatever it is you do you have to become aware of the pattern so you can break it.

So, 2020 since 2020 is here I’m going to share with you my intentions. I have a few goals too, but I think those are less important than how I want to show up this year.

To cultivate more stillness in my life.

To grow the relationship I’ve started with myself.

To continue down this spiritual path.

To follow my joy.

How are you showing up for 2020?

Maybe it’s freedom just to keep breathing.

When we are in the midst of living we can feel trapped, confined by our circumstances. We forget that we are alive. We forget that we are impossible. The chances of us being here on this planet just as we are:

That’s 10 followed by 2,685,000 zeros.

Can you imagine what it took for you to be here right now? The people walking across the street at the right time. The babies born that would affect your family line. The schools that had to be built. The fact that your great great great great great great grandparents even met. There are stars that had to be born and die exactly where they did for our planet to come into being. The sun had to become a star. We had to make it through all of creation. We are here is not an accident. We are breathing is on purpose. I don’t believe that we were put here to experience misery. We were not made to just exist and die.

We are alive to love and be loved. We are alive to share our gifts with the world. We are here for our voices to be heard. We are here on purpose. We are here to be in purpose. We are not meant to all be the same – even as our culture and society tell us that we should be. We aren’t all meant to be. We aren’t all meant to be artists, entrepreneurs, or writers.

There are things that we do that ignites our soul, and that’s what we are supposed to be doing. Maybe it’s gardening, or being a parent, or traveling, or cooking, or scrapbooking. There isn’t a limit. There isn’t a single list you have to choose from. You are here to express who you are and what brings you to life.

We get so caught up in having to be the best. Having to make the most money. Having to get the job. The girl/boy. The car. The house. The life that we were told that we needed to have to be happy. But it’s all made up. It’s all bullshit. Be still a moment and breathe into the space around you. There is freedom there. There is space to be who you are.

It’s taken me a long time to recognize the miracle that my life is. I’ve spent a lifetime bogged down with thoughts of not being good enough. Thoughts of lack. Thoughts that I was broken and beyond repair. I have lived a life filled with hate. I have lived a half-life so consumed by my story that I was a victim. For a long time, I thought that life was something that happened TO me not FOR me.

But that would be against the odds. Because the fact that I am here typing this right now is basically zero. I am a miracle. You are a miracle. We are a miracle. We are living in the dream of a planet that was made just for us. What beauty there is here, what pain, what joy. We were given this life to take it all in, to breathe, to be alive, and learn to understand who and what we are. To give our gifts to the world, and connect back to all that is.

The truth is, life was never happening to me. Life was always happening for me. Just as it is for you.

Be here now. Breathe here now. There is freedom in that.

On Purpose (Poem)

What is the dawn but a promise that we have been given another day to walk in the direction of our joy? That our lives have been blessed once again as we are given another opportunity to see the sun rise over the horizon in the east. I bless the cold wind from the north. I bless the blue sky above me. I bless the earth below me. I bless the hot tea beside me. I bless everyone I pass today. We forget so easily that we are here together, on this beautiful piece of space, spinning wildly through the vast black, blessed by a star. We are impossible. That we are alive on this planet right now is against all odds. Our bodies could have easily been suns or moons or comets racing across the southern sky streaming our joy behind us for all to see. Instead we are here, right now, our hearts beating and our lungs breathing, and I am writing these words – all improbable, impossible that we can translate a few lines on a blank surface and know what it means. I bless each line of each letter because it means I can tell you I love you. I bless you because you are reading this and that is why we are alive, to love and to bless ourselves and each other. We forget this, caught up in all the things that our lives our made up of: our jobs, our houses, our friends, our family, our worries, our troubles. We forget that we are here to breathe and be alive in the ecstasy of existence. Oh, Dear One, take heart for you are here on purpose and every inhale and exhale is another chance to remember why you came.